Is honesty still the best policy?

How do you feel when you suddenly find out a shopkeeper just fooled you about that thing you purchased? Or the cab driver charging you much more than the right amount? Or your colleague harming your job behind your back? We all feel cheated. We grumble. We crib. But what about our part? Are WE always honest?

Well, I know these are common questions and we have vigorously thought, talked and opinionated about it. But today my question is… “Is honesty still the best policy?” Now, suppose you are the woodcutter, what would you choose- the gold, the silver or the wooden axe? Would you be honest hoping that God would eventually give all the 3 to you? If that be the case then where is the honesty actually?

So now, we come to the famous teachings of Srimad Bhagavad Gita “Karmanye Vadhikaraste Ma Phaleshu Kada Chana

Ma Karma Phala Hetur Bhurmatey Sangostva Akarmani”  (In simple words, You do your deeds, but do not think about its outcome. Do not let the outcome or the fruit of your deeds be the purpose of your actions).

Personally speaking, when it comes to honesty, I somehow still believe in both these theories. I prefer being honest, knowing that it is the right thing to do. But when I do not get any of my axes back (when others are dishonest to me), I question my own survival intelligence! That is the time when I do feel cheated, I do grumble and I do crib.

But somehow, don’t we all get a satisfaction if we are honest? I know I do! The constant moral science classes in school or the long lectures from dad must have kept the “CONSCIENCE” or “THE-GOD-INSIDE-ME” still alive even amidst so much. But perhaps unknowingly, we are teaching our next generation our doubts about honesty with so much of grumbling and cribbing. Just as a simple lay person, who prefers to be optimistic even about the most negative things, I still believe HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. I still believe cheating is wrong. I still believe I should always speak the truth. I still believe I will take only what I deserve (though I don’t know how much I succeed!!)

Therefore, for the sake of those moral science classes, for the sake of dad’s lecture, for the sake of the woodcutter’s good fortune, let us keep HONESTY as the best policy.

So what do you say? Which axe is yours? And why? 

"GIRL, WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?"

Probably since the last 10 years, I am answering this question, quite frequently.  The moment you meet that aunt whom you can't tolerate, or your help at home who is fed up of cleaning your mess, or a freind you are meeting after a long time, or your freind's mom, dad, brothers, sisters, your relatives, relatives of relatives, infact their strange relatives too... I wish I could keep a count of all the people who triggered my adrenaline with this question.

In the initial years, I would get angry and object to THE QUESTION (at times the question is also a sarcasm!), but it was often followed by numerous lectures - "You can't live your life alone.. [and my thoughts-How do you know? You are infesting the world with more creeps like you every year!]
-" A girl is incomplete without a man" [How? is it sex, Perverts! Or is it babies? Haven't you heard of test tube babies or adoption?]
-"I know a few good guys.. I will help you find some one.[really? why do you never help me finding colleges?]
-"you need some one to talk to"... [I am a counselor for God's sake! I can hire one for myself!]
.....And many other enlightening words of wisdom leaving me grinding my teeth with frustration.
Gradually I learnt my survival strategy. Anybody asking me THE QUESTION, I would bring a fake smile to my face and pretend like the famous Indian shy girl, look away and say, "Soon, very soon" [Now get lost!!]
My sole point of irritaion was not the fact that they are, time and again, inserting their nose in my personal life... but i was disapponted with the fact that even afetr having so many slogans wriiten about women empowerment, rallies, womens' day, lectures, movements... why is a girl supposed to be judged only by the standard of her marital status? It seems as though she is born, she is sent to school, she is sent to a job, just so that oneday she finds a suitable husband and becomes so called "complete"!
I strongly object to that. No matter what people tell you girls, remeber there is more you can add to your life. Marital status is just a part of your life, not the whole. Study what fascinates you, research what intrigues you, travel where you learn and have fun, get a job that fulfills you, sing, dance, look beautiful..and do these things because YOU want to... not because that raises the bar for finding suitable groom! And someday when you decide to get married...do so because YOU want to, not because society dictates it.

Action Hero

There are some people whom you meet in some juncture of your life and learn the most important lesson from them. I like to call these people ‘the heroes of our lives’. I happened to meet one of such heroes of my life recently. I rather call him  ‘action hero’ for all the actions in his life! Let us call him Bill.

I met him at my workplace; a regular guy with regular talks (in the beginning), which definitely does not interest a psychologist (Blame it on my education, blame it on my childhood, blame it in the present scenario!) But there was always this ‘counselling instinct’ which wanted to know what was special in this man’s life?

One day he revealed the ‘actions’ that he had in his life. Bill was a very hyperactive child, getting himself, as well as his parents in to trouble, with the neighbours or authorities all the time. Parents were fed up of his mischief and were naturally very vocal about it. Feeling unloved and unwanted, he left home with 3 of his friends and reached Delhi with some stolen money. He was just 12years old! Life in the metro city taught him all that education ministers now aim to teach the children through curriculum- life skills. He learnt how to struggle and survive. He did various odd jobs in the hotels, did things a child of his age shouldn’t do, went to places that he shouldn’t have been to.

And life was moving on in the midst of different and unique people every day in hotels. One day a woman tipped him with 500 bucks and a while later her husband tipped him too. Suddenly their child objected! The father tried to convince the child saying, ‘let it be…he is poor! How will he survive?’ This simple sentence compelled him to look back. Yes, it has been 3 years of working and running around. 3 years of no schools, no play. Was it being a waste? He could understand no matter how hard he worked, he would always be ‘poor’ and object of sympathy. He decided to return and that was tougher. But he did.

Even after a gap of so long, he managed to cope. He had understood the importance of education in earning respect in the society. He took up Mathematics (probably because of his intelligence and also because of the respect it brings along!) He completed his studies and became a teacher (the noblest profession). I heard his story and took bit of time to come back to reality. So this is what makes him special! He has seen struggle, so he values resources. He has been alone for a long time, so he values relationships. He has been in a complicated world at a very young age, so he values simplicity.

At the end of the conversation, he said there was a lot that he wanted to learn from me. Well, perhaps he didn’t realise nothing can be a better teacher than life itself and he has been a great student there! And with all that action in his life, no wonder he will be a great teacher as well!!

Repression

The term 'Repression' is used by psychologists to describe the procedure in which we unconsciously, or subconsciously prevent ourselves from recalling particular past memories, which might cause us anxiety. In layman's term, forgetting what gives us trouble while thinking it. For example, a child sexually abused, may just compel her mind to prevent these thoughts to come to her mind because it makes her feel dirty. But these thoughts have their own way of coming out. For example, the same girl may start to think of sexual activity to be dirty, even after growing up.
no, i am not here to tell you about the clinical, psychological and all other possible explanations. I am here to share with you an incident where I had to come in terms with my 'repressed thoughts'.
It was just the beginning of my career and i was on the process of being dumped by my boy friend(lets call him Rox. I had repressed all the thoughts related to this incident and tried to focus on my career, as if nothing had ever happened. In middle of all these, an acquaintance told me i need to meet a girl and counsel her for depression. I agreed. But as i met the girl (we are not supposed to use her name so lets call her  Ita.!!), i realised there was something that this girl had to do with my ex. Wanted to ignore the scene. So, i said, i was busy. But every now and then she took my appointment. Finally, i thought if I had been trained to keep my personal life away from my professional life, why should i avoid anything. And I met her and found out, I was not trained enough!!!


Ita looked at me intensely, as I approached her, trying to think hard perhaps about what I am thinking, because, as a matter of fact, i was aware that she knew my ex. After the initial effort of rapport building (trust me, it was too difficult this time), I asked, "So, Ita, your friend tells me you are upset about something, if you don't mind, can you please tell me about it?"
lots of sighs and hesitations. Finally, she broke down, "I know he doesn't love me, but I do! I love him since the last 5 years. I could never tell him but i could understand, he knows. But now all that is over. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. What should i do?"
oh silly girl!!! Stop wasting my time with your puppy-love-stories!!! Grow up!!!
"how do you feel about the incident? can you name those emotions?", I was trained to say these!
"Frustrated, angry, depressed, feel like running away", she replied with another roll of tears.
that's what i am exactly feeling right now!
"ok, i understand how you feel. Can you tell me What had happened exactly?"
She burst out into tears again and mumbled, "Perhaps you are aware, since you are his friend, I love Rox..."
WHAAAAAT?????WHAAAAT???.... Alright, he is an attractive man... it's ok. Focus on her story.
"But  I know I was not good enough for him. But he had never misbehaved with me. He always received my calls. He would take me to places. Guide me with my career all the time..."
and where was i all that time??? We were dating each other but had kept it to ourselves but he spoke to her???? When??? How come I never got to know about it....FOCUS!!!
"But recently oneday, he just left without telling me anything and did not speak to me after that." and she weeped like a child. This sounds familiar.... perhaps one of my repressed memories. I know exactly how she feels but i had never shed a tear.But stupidly enough, I was possessive of his memories too. If somebody should cry for Rox, it would be just me!!!I was his gf!!! Come on!! I guess I should slap her before she starts calling out his name.
I did not say a word. She kept crying for the next half an hour. I consoled her as much as i could. how disgusting things can be.....I am consoling this weeny stupid girl about my boy friend!!!And all i can say is...I UNDERSTAND!!!
She uttered with the gloomy voice,"He is with somebody else now. I feel as if a part of me is dying..."
He is with somebody else? i couldn't or didn't hear what she had to say after that. Things had stopped making any sense at all.... I always thought I was the one and as people say, you let the bird go, if it comes back it was yours, and if it doesn't...... I thought it would.
She left saying 'thank you' and said she felt much better after sharing. Later I came to know she overcame all that and moved on with some other guy.
But now I was thinking....all the repressed thoughts.What had happened and how and didn't this mean anything to him? How come he stopped me from meeting my friends and was constantly in touch with his, in a secretive way...???.....Those were like open wounds now...had to deal with them.How do I feel about it? --- Frustrated, angry, depressed, feel like running away...

Proxy mom

there are millions of images and messages passed on from one person to another on the topic MOM, like "if you love your mom send this message to 100 or 15 people" (do not understand the logic,how about spending that time speaking to your mom), or "if you want your mom to live 1000 years, like it in 2 secs" (do you really want your mom to suffer till she is 1000? how about helping her in her work so that she suffers less when she is alive?) since we live in a country where we are never supposed to find faults with our parents, or answer them back or disobey them (the biggest example being the Pandavas or the five brothers marrying Draupadi just because their mother said so!), we try to give as much credit to the mothers as we can. but then my notion about this concept changed as i started counselling so many children having 'mother-issues'.
i do not know about other nations, but we live in a country where marriage gives you the licence of mother-hood. i somehow feel it is a full time job and like we give interviews and pass trough different sessions for a job, it should be the same for being a mother as well.
i met a child of 10 years, yesterday. he lives in hostel and it was his birthday. he said, his parents did not remember to wish him or come and meet him. so he was wondering if i could be his mom for a day..... Proxy mom? we gave proxy attendance for our friends in college (yeah i know it is wrong but we were in college!!!) i did what he wanted me to do. i went to his hostel and took him out for the evening with his friends. Though i know for sure , anybody from my profession would say that was unprofessional. but it was something i had been doing since i took up this job.
most of the time, all that a child wants is a mother figure to ask him/her at times about his/her life, without judging him/her or lecturing him/her.
and i understand mothers also are so busy these days. then how about making a new job for PROXY MOTHERS? you do not have time to teach your son guitar, you send him to a teacher. your son is missing out on the affection and QUALITY time (not quantity mind it!) with his mother, get a proxy mom!
trust me, i am too amateur to have solved so many issues in school children. but they did get sorted out. all i did was smile at the child, tell him that it is ok to be naughty at times, and no matter what you do,i am always there to listen to your part of the story and i am never going to judge you. and this had done the trick on more than 2000 children, i guess!!! call me unprofessional, but i love to see them demanding time from me, or small favors, or just to be there during their recitals, dance etc.
and i love being a PROXY MOM( though many students are hardly 10 yrs younger to me!)
it's the joy of proxy-motherhood!!!!

punctuation marks in the profession

at times i relate people in my professional world to the punctuation in the English grammar.
for example, there are some colleagues as well as students whom i find confusing (not unpredictable, mind it).
they are like a big '?' question mark to you. you do not know what is going on with them. you seem to have so many questions about them all the time....what is he/she thinking about this?....what is he/she exactly going through?....do you think he/she is not happy here??.....so on and on... like a receptionist, forced to keep a smile on face but i wonder what she is actually thinking...
and then comes the ',' commas. They would not sit with you and chat for hours(how do you read a comma?....a short pause, remember?) you see them,stop for a while and the best part they keep you connected with the others(commas connect two or more sentences). like an English teacher you meet in the library at times and he shares with you and others some double meaning jokes in English....making you laugh for some time.  i love the 'commas'!!!
Semicolon ';' people are basically those orthodox whimsical completely narrow minded people who in the name of old traditions, refuse to learn anything new or even give it a shot.semicolon separates two completely different meaning words. and i do not know about others but i am completely different from these people.
hyphen '-' and dashes '__' are your close ones.both join words.hyphen people are closer than dash people though.(as hyphen means shorter pause than dash). for example the colleague who joined on the same day as you. no matter how different your streams are, you develop a friendship.
Apostrophe ' ' ' are basically those people for me who give me the feeling as if some part of their personality or brain is missing ( apostrophe is used for the omission of one or more letters, eg, DON'T, o being omitted).i find them irritating at times and thank goodness for the modern sms lingo, we do not use apostrophe much nowadays!!
people who are always excited (either in positive or negative way, like the old p.t.teacher who is so angry all the time! or the young primary teacher, who is so irritatingly chirpy all the time and to top it all, falls in love!!!!!) they surely remind me of exclamation '!' mark!
full stops are those who are not connected to you all the time but when you meet them, you chat with them for hours and hours and your worries stop after the sharing. but you do not drag their thoughts to the next day of your life. you pause.
well, i know we mostly talk about these many punctuation marks in our daily life. but i have one more- the dots '.........' yup, these people also exist in our professional life. for example a date or two with a colleague and then it ends....you do not know why.things had given you feel-good-factor.so you do not want a pause. you do not want exclamation also. and you can not be hyphenated as well. so you drag the feeling next day as well. hence the dots '........'.....

hypocrisy

As my job demands i need to trust an individual completely. I believe in the Rogerian theory which, in layman's term talks about trusting the goodwill of every individual, in my case, my clients.

and in my 2 years experience of this job, i have no shame in admitting that i had been fooled many a times. i believe in a story completely by an individual and later land up finding the truth is quite different. well, i am supposed to draw out the truth from the individual. these people..i call them manipulative, at times. they manipulate for a certain benefit.

and i call some of them escapists as well. they do not want to come in terms with the truth or keep denying it.( i guess, i do not have to say that as a professional, i am not supposed to call them anything!!!!!)

and then comes a group...the hypocrites! we all hate them...but we do not realise when we become hypocrites ourselves.

one day i was taking a class on sex education for teachers.and came up on the Delhi rape case. there were a few male teachers ridiculing the situation to an extreme extent....the way we all felt. i was pleased with the fact that they still say women should be respected like mothers. later i took a class with the girls of 12-13 yrs old, trying to make them aware of 'good touch and bad touch' (or, sexual abuse in adult lingo) and it was shocking to know from them that those male teachers are the ones who make these girls the most uncomfortable. hypocrites!!!touching a child's back or breast is not raping her, but the impact that it leaves on most of them is no less than a rape...
 then after observing them for some days i understood that these male teachers under the cover of love and affection, touched girls in a sexual way. i also learned that they were not like this earlier. something must have made them this way (being a follower of Rogers....everybody is good!!!) i do not wonder the reason now...

what i wonder is...do they know yet that they have become hypocrites??

do we ever question ourselves.... have we become hypocrites yet??